Chocolate Cake, Serial Killers and Telling People to Cheer Up

I spent my childhood freaking out over things that I had no control over.

My older brother did not help.

When I was 10, Conrad told me that we are really just big bags of chemicals walking around. Instead of feelings, we have chemical reactions.  Feelings don’t exist.

I asked my very wise, zen dad and he said, Maybe that’s true.

I freaked out.

Later Conrad said, You know how I told you that we’re just big bags of chemicals?

Yeah? I asked.

At any moment, you could have a chemical reaction that could turn you into a serial killer.

How do I stop that?

Well, we get chemicals into our body through eating, he said. And we just don’t know what food causes people to snap. Scientists are trying to figure this out.

That night, I sat at the piano (where I was supposed to be practicing) and ate chocolate cake, and cried for my family, who might very well die because this cake could be the food that made me snap.  I was a forkful away from being the next Lizzie Borden.

This thought did not stop me from eating the cake.

The best lies are truths slightly twisted

It’s true. We are big bags of chemicals. About $1.50 worth.

We don’t completely control our feelings. There are chemicals involved. What we eat can change our brain chemistry.

There is not a food that will make you snap and turn you into a serial killer (not even high-fructose corn syrup).

Our feelings are governed by many things:

Chemicals yes (vitamin deficiencies, seratonin uptake, hormones, medicinal interactions) and also:
mind/body/spirit alignment,
the energetic body (your spirit, your chakra system),
our relationships,
the collective conscious,
and self-perception.

This is by no means an exhaustive list. And yet, the conventional wisdom is that we can change our feelings and attitudes with a snap of our fingers.

Ah! The twisted truth of an easily mutable attitude.

We tell people to snap out of it!

We tell people to think positive! It’s all about your outlook! Cheer up!

We tell people to let go and trust like it’s really easy.

Hey, I like to let go and trust. I like to relax in safety. I like to be loved by the universe and to feel positive.  I am not knocking that for a minute.

But if you’re not finding it easy, you are not alone.

Often when people rattle off a positive saying like, Everything works out for the best.

They are also saying – hey if you don’t feel that way, or if you’ve had something really bad happen to you that’s hard to get over or if you can’t believe that, well, I’m sorry, you’re not as spiritually mature as I am. Believe harder.

This attitude is not helpful. This belief is not true. Comparing ourselves to others, deciding who is winning at spirituality, is ridiculously, laughably wrong!

Telling people that somehow this thing that happened is their fault because they were not winning at spirituality is so ass backwards, I don’t even know where to start.

Spiritual superiority is bullshit. When I encounter people like this, I want to go eat chocolate cake by them. Just in case.

If your spirituality doesn’t naturally push you towards humility and empathy, take a closer look at the brochure.

Feelings are complicated. People are complicated.

We are in control of our lives rather like skiers are in control. To quote Buzz Lightyear, we’re falling with style.

If you are at a spiritual high point, that’s great.

I’d like to gently remind you that it’s not about the peak or the answer or your relative having-your-shit-together-more-than-other people.

I know, it can be a relief to be in the space that you’re in. Also, you don’t get to stay there.

Let’s stop thinking of spirituality as a destination and start remembering that its a verb.

To distill it down to three simple ideas:

Spirituality creates enough emotional space to meet your needs and to support the spiritual needs of others.

Spiritual practices on a day-to-day basis help you govern your emotions and increase your understanding.

Having a relationship with something greater than yourself keeps you connected, committed and engaged with life.

That’s it. Let’s do that.

And then let’s support each other by not dictating how people should feel, but acknowledging what they are feeling. Let’s offer a way through when the time is right and the trust and respect is there on both sides.

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