A Difference between Trey Pennington’s Story and My Story
Trey Pennington committed suicide today. He was a marketing genius and a dad. And when I talked with him, he seemed a sweet, intelligent person.
He had the unique skills to carefully relate marketing and social media in a real, easy-to-understand way.
More details are becoming known about his suicide. It’s a very difficult situation.
It appears that there are many differences between Trey’s story and mine. I don’t want to capitalize on his death or hurt his family in any way.
I do want to talk about depression and suicide.
Depression is a whole-body disease. It’s a mental illness. It’s not something that people need to just get over. It’s not something that people can help.
Most of my family has depression. It’s a disease that I am intimately familiar with.
I have depression too.
Really? You might be saying, You seem so chipper.
I am chipper.
My depression is under control. I am doing well. And I am vigilant to stay that way. And also, I am blessed to have a depression that responds well to diet and exercise and medication, when needed.
Everybody experiences depression differently
My depression has a stealth brutality to it. Along with exhaustion and sadness, I get a healthy dose of shame and inadequacy.
When my depression comes back, I feel like I’ve failed. I know cognitively that having a depressive episode is not failure. It’s my body experiencing disease.
But I feel like I’m useless. I feel like nobody should have to suffer me. I feel like the best thing I can do is sit quietly in my room and wait it out.
I’m telling you this because if you are experiencing this right now, you’re not alone.
Even though the experience weighs you down and it feels like there is no end, there will be a day when the depression lightens.
If you can just take care of yourself until then, and wait it out, you’ll be happy that you did.
I’m saying this from personal experience, because there was a time when I didn’t think I could wait it out.
My Suicide Story
When I was 22, my marriage failed. I got 3 f’s and a d in college that semester. My first business, a restaurant, fell apart when one of the co-owners ran away with our funds.
I could not see a way out.
I was depressed, suicidal and the mother of a two-year-old.
One day, I really felt like killing myself. My son was at his dad’s. I looked around my apartment and I imagined my mother finding my body. I thought, She’ll be so upset about my death, she shouldn’t have to clean my apartment too. I’ll just clean it up first.
So I cleaned my apartment. And by the time I was done, the suicidal feelings were gone.
Each time I felt suicidal, I cleaned. I cleaned everything. And by the time I was done, the feelings were gone.
And that worked for awhile.
One day, I just felt like not only was I ready to stop this frustrating life, but that people were suffering my presence. I was making life hard for people by being me.
That was the depression talking. The reality of it wasn’t that way at all.
I had a balcony that ran the width of my old apartment. If I jumped out and landed right, I’d hit the alley pavement. It’d be quick.
So, I made a plan. Once I realized that I was going to kill myself, I felt a little better. I felt relieved. I organized my stuff into piles.
When I decided to kill myself, something finally felt do-able.
A few days after this realization, my poetry professor, Hilda Raz called me into her office. She told me that she noticed that I seemed depressed. She asked me if I was thinking about suicide.
Yes, I said.
I was so depressed that I didn’t realize that she was going to try to talk me out of it. I thought she was going to say Go For It, or maybe Where are your poems? I want to publish a chapbook posthumously.
I was wrong.
You’re a mother right? She asked.
Yeah, I said, but you know, he’ll have his dad, and if I do it now, he won’t remember me.
She nodded. She was quiet for a moment and then she said, My mother killed herself when I was 9. She jumped off the balcony of our house. And every day since the day she died, I’ve wondered what I could have done differently.
I remember looking down at my doc marten mary janes.
Then she said, If you decide to kill yourself, understand that you are dooming your two-year-old to always wonder what was so wrong with him that you chose to kill yourself instead of being his mother.
I thought of my boy. I thought of my mother and how many times I thought I had failed her, and wondered what was so wrong with me.
And I never considered suicide again. It stopped being an option.
And I got anti-depressants. And life really sucked for awhile. And then it stopped sucking.
I was lucky.
I had someone to talk me down from my balcony.
There are many differences in what saves and doesn’t save suicide victims.
For those who die by their own hands, they don’t have anybody to talk them down. Or they don’t tell anybody. Or they don’t believe what people are telling them when they try to talk them into life.
Suicidal folks imagine that they are ultimately making things better for their family.
But here’s something that I imagine is a shared circumstance: People who commit suicide are not selfish. They are stuck in time. They cannot see this lifetime unfolding towards anything but pain.
Selfishness implies rational thought. If you are so out of your head that you kill yourself, you’re not selfish. You’re stuck. You’re irrational. What your brain is telling you to be true is not true.
I’ve had the opportunity to watch my children grow up, to enjoy them, to teach them. Trey lost that opportunity today. I feel so sorry for him, his family and friends.
Listen
I’m telling you this because if you are depressed, you’re not flawed.
You didn’t fail.
You’re at the mercy of a capricious disease.
There are people who can help you.
And there are people who would miss you.
And you are not nearly as annoying and awful as you think you are.
If you are depressed, you are not alone. There are millions of us who have depression who are functioning and who enjoy life. There is hope.
Seek Help
Because I promise you that you are not doomed to a life of pain. What’s come before is not indicative of what could come next.
Here’s a place to start: PsychCentral.
My Depression
is under control. It’s been 20 years since I was suicidal. And my depression has never been bad since.
I am thankful for my mental health. It’s important to me. I do everything that I can to keep from becoming depressed. Diet, exercise, sleep and yoga, meditation, energy work. There is a lot that can be done to stay mentally healthy.
If you feel depressed, you are NOT DOOMED. You can stop feeling depressed. And not feeling depressed feels damn good.
All right, love you, stay safe.
Hey I'm really happy that you are back visiting my blog again. And I would love the opportunity to work with you to change your life. Click here to learn more about how I help people.
Twitter: Dawn_obrien
said:
Outstanding post. I lost my first husband to suicide when my sons were eight years old (15 years ago). Both sons have attempted it themselves; one more than once and last year very nearly succeeded. He struggles with his depression and I know his life will always prove a challenge.
Thank you for sharing your story.
#RIPTreyPennington
Twitter: Mklaebel
said:
I can so relate to this. My children have always been my reason to hang on. Even now that they are grown.
Thank you for letting others know that they are not alone. And that it’s not shameful. It’s a condition. Treatable.
RIP Trey. I hope there is support for his family in the coming weeks and months.
Twitter: Bnpositive
said:
This was a very moving post and very helpful in trying to gain a better understanding of how depression can move people to think certain ways and do certain things. Thank you for sharing and opening up in this public forum.
Bnpositive´s last [type] ..Game Time: Tackling the Past is Family Movie Night
Twitter: pjproductivity
said:
This is a beautiful post, and I’m glad I read it — I admit, the headline at first gave me pause, wondering if you were going to pass judgment on Trey for his tragic choice. Of course, you don’t do anything of the kind — I guess I’ve been so caught up in another story that’s been roiling the web and the SMM industry the last few days that I’ve come to expect hatefulness. Now that I recognize that, better believe I will put that expectation in check.
I am so glad the universe saw fit to put in your path perhaps the one person in your world at the time who could and would say the ONE thing that would give you a moment’s pause. Flipping through the pictures Trey uploaded to his FB page just a few hours before his death, I am struck by the sense that I was watching a man try to close the book on his life. So incredibly, tragically sad.
I didn’t know Trey personally. He only lived an hour from me and more than once I’d thought about introducing myself to him via email or Twitter. I wish now I had.
I can only hope people take something from this: if you’re the one with these thoughts, please reach out. (And at the same time, I know when you feel like that, it’s *impossible* to reach out.) And if you have someone in your life about whom you’ve caught yourself wondering (“I wonder if he’s depressed…” “I wonder if everything’s OK with her…”) then PLEASE for the love of all that’s holy swallow your fear of intruding and ASK. Just ask.
And keep asking.
Annie Sisk´s last [type] ..SEO Saturday: Don’t Forget the Breadcrumbs!
Twitter: shannamann
said:
[...] The Difference Between Me and Trey Pennington | Intuitive Bridge Trey Pennington committed suicide today, on the steps of a church in South Carolina. He was a marketing genius, a dad, a sweet, intelligent person. He believed in the ability of people and had the unique skills to carefully relate marketing and social media in a real, easy-to-understand way. [...]
Thanks for sharing.
Clément
Twitter: lydiafine
said:
My story is eerily similar to yours. I was at my lowest, and I had someone to talk me down. Mine is under control now, though it sometimes rears its ugly head. But I do what I know works — exercise, diet, spending time with friends, talking to my therapist — and eventually, it passes. I am one of the few people I know who truly understand that suicidal people are not selfish — they are in pain, incredible pain, and like you said, stuck in time.
Depression is an awful disease, but it’s no one’s fault. I hope others reading this hear your story — and my little note here — and know that It Gets Better. Just stick with it.
You’ll be glad you did.
Twitter: 4_walls
said:
Thank you for writing such a courageous and honest blog.
I knew Trey Pennington and I am devastated at the news of his suicide. I am so sorry that he did not have someone to “talk him down from his balcony”.
Depression is a disease and is nothing to be ashamed of. However, it is entirely possible that no one in your circle of family or friends understands how to deal with it, or understands how you are feeling, or is equipped to help you.
However, as you say, there is help and support out there and you should see your doctor in the first instance.
You should also reach out to others as there are many people feeling like this and you may be able to help them through a dark time, and, in turn, help yourself.
Times are hard and we all need to pull together and support one another.
Blogs like this are a great way to throw a lifeline out into the community and de-stigmatise depression.
Thank you again for having the courage to write this. There is always light at the end of the tunnel and real problems can always be solved, it only the imagined ones that seem unconquerable.
What an insensitive article to write, when this man passed away merely hours ago. I’m sure his family and friends would be thrilled to read about your ability to overcome Depression, while their loved one succumbed to it. While there are valid points, and the intent was obviously to tell your story, this should have been a posting on how YOU live with Depression, not using someone else’s sad story as the comparison.
Thank you for this poignant and raw post. I also suffer from depression as do many members of my family. I’ve lost 2 to suicide and vowed to never, ever even consider it. But, I know others who have including someone I know who took his life on Friday. There is help out there. Like any other disease, depression is often a chemical issue at its core and medication can certainly help. There’s therapy, too. I hope that Trey’s suicide helps open the minds of others who may be on the same path to realize the profound sadness that suicide causes families and friends of the victim for years and years to come, and that they know that help is out there and aren’t ashamed to seek it out.
Thanks for this. Needed it. There are days that the thought of my kids dealing with the loss of me is the only thing that keeps me around.
Twitter: MaryRarick
said:
Thanks for taking the time to share your story, Bridget. Thank goodness your teacher was paying attention and had the courage to talk to you. Too bad no one did the same for Trey.
Glad you are here today. Take care of yourself and thank you for sharing. I understand.
I only found out that I suffer a few months ago. Found out from a medical prospective.
I cry for Trey because those days before today must have been tormenting. From my limited understanding of the medical/chemical reasons behind all this, coupled with my experience with this – there is a fine line that determines the outcome.
Thankfully I’ve had people around me. But if anything comes out of this is the polarisation of this ailment, and that it needs to be discussed, sufferers need the support of others.
I new Trey, shared a stage with him, and did not see anything but bliss in his life. We coud have talked about it I suppose – but didn’t.
N
nick´s last [type] ..Stuff I use – twtrland.com
Twitter: omshantikate
said:
And for anyone who thinks that it’s just Bridget who’s gotten through this kind of Hell (and untreated depression is nothing short of Hell with a capital H), she’s not alone. I’ve survived being laid up for weeks, feeling like there was nothing to get me out of bed except maybe to pee and feed the cats.
Bless the cats — I’m not sure I’d've made it through without them. But I hung on (and got treatment) and these days, I’m pretty damn happy. Yeah, I get down; yeah, I get stressed. It happens. But I do pretty okay anyway.
So hang in there. Get treatment. Find someone to talk to. It WILL get better. I promise.
Twitter: azurelunatic
said:
Typo patrol: “My depression is in control. I am okay.” — did you mean “under control”?
Thank you for writing this. My depression is also managed right now. It could someday take over my life again, but for now it’s settled, and I know what steps to take to take my life back, and I know the danger signs. The more trusted people who know that I have depression, the better, so they can check me if they think things aren’t quite right.
Twitter: Whitneypannell
said:
My Goodness what a powerful piece. So glad you are better. My heart is heavy for Trey pennington’s family .
Twitter: LaVonneEllis
said:
Thank you for writing this important post.
I was told as a kid that my diabetic father committed ‘accidental’ suicide by not taking his insulin in order to manipulate my mother into reconciling with him. I understand now that nobody could know what really happened, but back then I believed it. And I internalized it to the point where I thought I was fated to kill myself as well. I never tried it, but I had a plan “just in case.”
Like you, it was my young son who saved me. I realized what damage a parent’s suicide could do to a child, and vowed that it would never be an option again. It never has been, but I suffered from chronic and sometimes clinical depression for many years. Finally, I decided to try medication. It’s made a huge difference.
Wow, I am so glad I read this. I have come pretty close to ending it, to stop others suffering because of my depression. Thank you for helping me see things from their point. I thought my son would be better off without me, but reading ur comment made me realise he may feel to blame if I did. And I would NEVER want that. I am getting help and am picking up slowly. You have taught me not to predict how others would feel.
I cried reading this. This is ME. I went through this last summer. My friends, family and a great therapist saved my life. Literally. I type this because of them, because I am alive to do so. Every word is true. Diet, exercise, therapy, meds, people all are part of what a person needs to deal with depression.
I am sorry for your loss. The silver-lining in this may come in the writing of this piece, thank you for writing it. Spread the word. Let’s not lose another one.
Twitter: ByWordsMusings
said:
Stuck in time vs not selfish ….
My life was impacted greatly by suicide, that life is not something I talk about, but what you wrote here, spoke to me.
I was surrounded by people who told me that it was a selfish act … but I agree with you,
I believe it was a lack of seeing beyond,
seeing past the pain ..
being stuck in time.
Thank you for those words …
Today is a sad day, Trey Pennington had so much to share with this world and his family, the world suffered a great loss today.
I hope that he has peace, it escaped him here on earth, he deserves to have it now.
By Word of Mouth Musings´s last [type] ..Homeschool. Every minute.
Thank you for sharing. I grew up with a very depressed mother and she often drank pills to end her life but thanks to me for thinking quickly each time, I called the ambulance just in time so they could pump her stomach to get rid of the pills.Depression is terrible. It’s real and it’s raw. I will RT this post because I’m sure there are millions of ppl who are depressed.
Lisa´s last [type] ..Disney & DreamWorks Studios Presents: Real Steel — in Theaters October 7, 2011
Twitter: MissLuluBlogs
said:
I am so glad you shared your story. I never met Trey, but I feel like all of us involved in social media are like a family.
What has helped me find strength through depression aside from having someone to talk to is reading posts like this one. To know that someone else has been where I am, has felt emotions that I’ve felt and has come out on the other end…well, it’s inspiring.
I hope that Trey’s children can someday understand that it wasn’t a lack of love that took their father.
Thanks again.
Twitter: MJSchrader
said:
Bridget,
Thank you for this post. It was nice to read a great post about Trey and depression. It is tragic, but glad you found the way to deal with depression
(( HUGS )) and thank you.
MJ Schrader
MJ´s last [type] ..The Information Diet
Beautifully written! It would be lovely to see this printed in every newspaper in the English-speaking world and I’d be happy to translate it into French for you (and I’m sure I could encourage my daughter to translate it into Spanish for you). This is very well written — simple. Plain. Basic. True.
I had several major depressive episodes in my teens, 20s, 30s, and 40s, in between long periods of feeling great. When the depressive episodes got more frequent and severe in my 40s, I finally landed in the psych ward of a big hospital with psychotic depression (depression that is so severe that it turns into delusions and paranoia). Only one week of Prozac is all it took me to walk out of the hospital feeling perfectly normal again. I was free! I was so lucky that meds worked so quickly and completely for me.
Depression is a disease of brain chemistry. If you have a burst appendix, you go to the hospital and get it out. If you have a broken arm, you go and get a cast. The problem with depression is that it takes away your ability to realize that you have a disease. Instead everything just seems awful and you don’t know why. The depression itself makes it impossible to evaluate the disease objectively. Instead it makes you look for things that aren’t perfect in your life and magnify them so that it seems as though those external problems are the culprit. That’s why depression is so insidious.
I conquered it. It’s been 6 years since that horrible episode, and I haven’t had a single day of depression since. Every day is a gift.
Twitter: shannamann
said:
[...] I read Bridget Pilloud’s tribute to Trey and personal struggle with depression, I was struck by the simple gesture of her professor that assisted her off the ledge: She asked me [...]
Twitter: angiewith3
said:
I appreciate you posting this. I also have depression. I go through a lot of what you go through. I feel like no one wants to be around me. I withdraw. I feel like I can’t do anything right. Eventually, usually a few days to a week I feel better and realize the thoughts I had weren’t all true. My kids, my husband and my blog are my motivation to keep going and fight those rough times. I’m glad you’re still here and someone was there for you when you needed it.
Angie B.´s last [type] ..some Labor Day weekend Sales Deals and Specials
thank you for sharing so openly about your experience with Depression! It took me a very long time to believe ‘it’ was not something that I could just get over or will away…
“Depression is a whole-body disease. It’s a mental illness. It’s not something that people need to just get over. It’s not something that people can help.” ….so very true!
Oh how truly tragic may Trey Pennington rest in peace…wishing his family and friends peace and comfort!
Amy´s last [type] ..Bird Without Wings: Tiger Time Tuesday
Bridget,
When I heard the news about Trey I searched the Internet for any info. I found the news story and found your blog.
I just wanted to say what a thoughtful caring blog. A lot of people would not have shared such personal story. I’m so glad for your sake and your son’s that someone reached out to you. What a great world it would be if we all reached out when we see someone hurting. If we took a risk, just in case…..
I’m sorry Trey couldn’t stop the pain. That makes me so sad.
Jean Kuhn
Twitter: KarimBenyagoub
said:
Hey Bridget!
Thanks for this bright article, it helps to understand what some people are going through; and maybe a little better about ourselves; depression is often an invisible disease.
Most of the time, when I see a person who is always happy, smiling too much and more positive than the whole world, the first thing that pops into my mind is: she may be fighting a deep depression…
Sometimes a lot of energy (positive) must be deployed to erase that negative part that tries to suck everything.
I think teenagers and young adults are normally exposed to suicidal feelings before it vanishes or transforms into something else.
But well, to be sincere it’s not a subject I’m really motivated to search, it depresses me for now, and until I suspect someone I know have important depression and that I should help them, I wouldn’t care too much for documentation for now.
So again thank you Bridget for all your great insight! Have a cool vacation!
K’
Twitter: CourtneyRamirez
said:
Thank you for sharing your story. I was saddened to read about his passing. I just discovered his blog and resources a few weeks ago and loved his perspective on marketing. I have had similar battles with depression, and your post is a great description of the realities of the disease. It’s draining – and sometimes you cannot see the life ahead being anything but misery. But getting active, recognizing it’s a disease and seeking help are by far the best ways to battle it. I hope that Trey’s story can be a wake up call for those who need help. There is another option.
Twitter: thewovenmoments
said:
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
What an incredibly heartfelt, genuine, NECESSARY piece. And beautifully written.
I believe you may save someone’s life today.
Ryan (The Woven Moments)´s last [type] ..Stuff I Dig :: Lost and Found
What a great post. Thank you so much for sharing! The news about Trey is very sad and I appreciate you taking the time write this post because it could really help a lot of people.
Cheryl´s last [type] ..A New Social Platform Named TagVillage – What’s in it for You?
What an excellent article to share. I have had a lot of people I know kill themselves. The first was when I was 13 and the boy was 19. You were lucky you were able to hear that message from your professor as it is indeed a huge burden for a child to have to carry.
So sad for Trey’s family.
rebeccahappy´s last [type] ..Leveraging Live Events With Video
Thank you for your post. You’ve given me food for thought.
Twitter: rajean
said:
Bridget,
This is my first visit to your site. It won’t be my last. I was friends with Trey through social media (twitter & Facebook). We chatted with some frequency but about marketing, public relations, customer service and general life topics. This news has struck me, I don’t stand in judgement. But I will share your post as it will help others, some we think we know and others we don’t begin to know. It’s bravely written and offers important lessons to anyone who reads it. Thank you.
Rajean´s last [type] ..Sunset Sunday’s – Colors of Wal*Mart
Twitter: b_dudley
said:
Thank you for writing this. I think words like this can help people that are going to similar situations in their life.
Twitter: kimberlyonair
said:
…my brother tried to a month ago, we barely saved him. We are all so busy in this world that we don’t look each other in the eye… take time out… talk about our own problems. THAT is why we went through it all, to talk and help the next person.
I REALLY appreciate your writing. Truly.
…and I really will miss Trey.
One of the best things you can do as someone who is listening is to validate what the other person is feeling. “Wow, that must be really hard for you,” or any variation on acknowledging that their feelings are real is a step forward for honest communication. It won’t make it better, but it will help establish that rapport, the feeling that “someone gets me.”
Twitter: shannamann
said:
[...] If you know someone in law enforcement (or any public safety profession) you are concerned about, contact Safe Call Now to find out how you might be able to help. Be brave. It can take a lot to help someone who is depressed. But it can mean a lot, too. [...]
Twitter: Stephtreasure
said:
Wow, thanks for the post Bridget. Very open and from the heart. I didn’t know who Trey Pennington was. About to Google him right now. But I feel a lot of sadness for people who actually kill themselves. I too like you, feel hopeless, inadequate, etc. at times. It’s good that you recognize and have a healthy way to deal with it. I am not quite there yet, I just ride the wave until the ‘storm’ is over.
But you are right that what happened before, is NOT indicative of what could come next. That’s my main takeaway from this blog post. Once there is life there’s hope.
Stephanie Treasure´s last [type] ..Top 15 Ways to Use Facebook Fan Pages to Grow Your Business
Thank you, you brave and generous woman, you!
I wonder if now is the time for many of us to tell our stories, and while I was wondering, you were writing.
Brava. And love to you.
It’s very brave of you to publicly talk about your depression. It is something most people don’t feel like they can talk about. It adds to the isolation. I didn’t know Trey well, but thought very highly of him. I am sure it was difficult for him to be such a public figure while fighting the demons inside. I too have been severely depressed, and you are right: it sucks! It is a terrible disease, and isn’t talked about enough. Many of the greatest leaders of our time, and before suffered from it, yet shame still surrounds it. Kudos for you and being brave enough to not only tackle it, but talk about it publicly.
HeatherO´s last [type] ..What Do You Do?
Thank you for this post. Thank you.
Twitter: Word of Mouth
said:
Bridget, your post moved me today. Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal thing. I pray that it will help others who struggle too with depression. I’ve shared your post with my Twitter community. God bless you!
Glenn @ImprovementZone
Twitter: FrogstarWorldB
said:
Thank you for sharing this. It’s brave of you. This seems to be a taboo subject and I’m glad you’ve spoken out. My husband suffered the loss of a friend to suicide this summer – I wonder if your post would have helped. Of course we’ll never know. But, if this helps even one person step back from that ledge that alone is worth everything.
Take care.
Twitter: Allison Development Group
said:
Wow. Thank you. What a wonderfully beautiful post and one that I will share. So many folks feel like you do and don’t get help. The news of Trey’s death and suicide makes so many of us sad, but I also hope it will make so many folks suffering seek out help.
Thank you. Beautiful.
Erica Allison´s last [type] ..Google Called…They Want Their Analytics Back
Twitter: espinosajoey
said:
Like you, I was under a lot of “weight.” Like you, I had someone to talk to. And like you, I am a different person today.
http://differentway4kids.blogspot.com/2011/01/most-depressing-day.html
Excellently written. I thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly and honestly.
Lolli @ Better in Bulk´s last [type] ..Featured: Spa of Your Choice Giveaway
Thank you for saying what a thousand of us should have.
Twitter: anneliesz
said:
Wow. I didn’t know Trey but I appreciate you talking about depression. I volunteered with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention last year. Was I suicidal? No. But several years ago, a few friends and myself walked the 18 miler in honor of a friend, Todd, who did kill himself after getting off his meds that helped stabilize his bipolar disorder. Last year, I met the family members, the friends left behind who walked in honor of, who volunteered and gave their time out of love for someone who was no longer here and to also be a resource. Mourning a close death in my life last year, somehow being around these people who had also lost and continued loving the person gone made things better. We also discussed how mental illness is something that doesn’t get talked about enough- it’s something people are scared of and don’t understand. So I appreciate you talking about your experience with suicidal thoughts and depression. (I also appreciate that you were a fellow poetry MFA too, but that’s for another time). Here’s the link to the AFSP website as a resource: http://www.afsp.org/index.cfm?page_id=DAD0263D-CB7C-285D-7DB5B85E0F45BFB6
Twitter: Margit_P
said:
Thank you for this.
Thank you for putting this on the internet! I suffer from depression and I found this incredibly apt:
Even when I know cognitively that I am subject of a disease whose symptoms and causes can be addressed like other diseases, I believe differently. I can “know” at the very moment I am thinking those thoughts they are objectively not true, but they still have a strong power.
Connecting with others who understand this kind of experience is helpful.
Twitter: Biebert
said:
Brave. Generous. Life saving.
I hope this post can help save someone’s life.
Thank you.
Aaron
Aaron Biebert´s last [type] ..5 Discoveries About the New Klout Topic Pages (Screenshots)
An awesome article! It has touched my heart…thinking about the past, learning from them and inspiring people through our own learning have made all the difference in the world…and I gladly say – you are one of them…thanks so much, regards
Bridget, bless you for sharing your story. Your selfless and courageous act tonight no doubt will help countless people around the world by giving them hope and an example to follow.
Bravo!
Twitter: girlmeetsgeek
said:
I thought very carefully about replying to this and ultimately, what I’d say. This is a powerful response to something that only happened hours ago. I think I can understand the place that you come from: you want to help and give a voice to someone who might be experiencing depression. But depression, isn’t all that was going on with Trey. By simply classifying him as, “He was depressed, therefore he killed himself,” puts a face on something utterly faceless. The truth is: We don’t know what happened. It’s been, only a few hours. The ‘only difference,’ that you allude to is that you are alive, and Trey, (allegedly,) is not. I find that egotistical and alarming- because a single life is not comparable to another life. Your story is courageous, (that you decided to share,) but I wonder why you had to do it IMMEDIATELY. His death certificate hasn’t been issued. It’s alleged it did NOT happen on the steps of a church, but what has been confirmed that is was in the parking lot. I think it’s time we all take a step back, and stop being the FIRST! to put up a post and start instead to really clarify what we are saying.
Twitter: organicmania
said:
Thank you for writing this beautiful post. You surely have helped more people than you can imagine.
Thank you for writing this. I needed this tonight.
Twitter: LorneDaniel
said:
This is powerful, wise, and helpful Bridget. You hit so many truths about depression in this relatively short article.
Thank you for an incredible post that honestly confronts a serious issue with no holds barred. Having lost a family member to suicide i al too close to the pain felt and the questions asked of ourselves while still knowing there are no answers. Good for you for making the choice you did. For those in Trey’s family my heart goes out to them as there is no explanation, no right words and endless time and questions. I only hope they can believe there is no blame and find strength in each other. Thanks for this.
Twitter: MomMostTraveled
said:
Thank you so much for this. I hope it catches a dozen people.
CanCan´s last [type] ..Dragon*Con With Kids #DragonCon 2011
Twitter: SallyRavels
said:
Brave work, and good. Thank you for posting this. Thank you for giving hope to people. Thank you for being calm and patient, gentle and generous with your writing. I, too, struggle with depression. I, too, am blogging about it, hoping to help others pull back from the edge.
Twitter: CutestKidEver
said:
I have never been suicidal, nor do I think I ever could be… But I do struggle with depression. Really struggle. And I can see how someone could go from curled up in a ball, wracked with sobs and in physical pain from the weight of it to wanting it to end… at any cost.
Thankfully, I do have a loving husband who does his damnedest to try and throw me a rope when I’m slipping under the surface of despair. And the thought of leaving my son without a mother gives me a crushing feeling in my chest so real I feel I might suffocate.
I have an amazing psychiatrist who provides talk therapy as well as medication management. I’ve very lucky to have someone who does both. I was barely functioning before I started seeing him. I would like to suggest that anyone who is depressed and not seeing much improvement with their current doc – possibly just their primary care physician – finding the RIGHT doctor can be lifechanging! But changing doctors CAN make you feel worse if you’re already in a very dark place. If you CAN make the call, and you feel suicidal in the midst of the change (or any other time), call 911 or just drop in to your nearest ER and tell them you want to kill yourself. They will keep you safe until you can be stabilized… and you WILL see the light of life again.
Christina Gleason @ Cutest Kid Ever´s last [type] ..An Open Letter to Casual Dining Restaurants
Thank you for writing this. I almost killed myself a week ago. I didn’t realize where I was, I was holding a knife and I only stopped when my son entered the room and screamed “No”. Thank you so much for writing this.
It’s so sad and at the same time amazing how it appears that someone like him had the “perfect life”. He “seemed” happy, chipper and he “seemed” like he loved his job. And yes, depression is obviously a killer, when it is not under control while dealing with negative life circumstances. I too, can relate to a lot of this. RIP Trey.
Miriam´s last [type] ..More Reasons to Shop Online
Twitter: WiltonBlake
said:
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and the world.
You helped me put words to the feeling that causes me to end and avoid relationships. I don’t want anyone to suffer me when I am depressed. Which is often.
And thank you for reminding me that depression lifts. It doesn’t last forever.
And thank you for reminding me that my depression responds well to diet and exercise.
Twitter: shannamann
said:
[...] again, after seeing many touching posts by Amber and Bridget Pilloud, I am reminded that all we can do is to keep talking. Get the conversation going, and don’t [...]
Twitter: MichelleSedas
said:
Thank you for this beautiful article. As a 34-year-old diagnosed at 12 with depression, your words touched my heart. When my depression clouds roll in, it is *my children* who I hold in my heart. It is for them that I continue to do my part to promote a healthy mind, body, and spirit. And then, inevitably, time and time again, those clouds of depression dissipate, and I am once again filled with happiness and hope as I wrap my beautiful children into my arms.
You are amazing. I hope and pray that anyone who is thinking about ending their life reads this first. Your teacher was a hero, and now you are going to hopefully be a hero for countless others.
Thanks for this timely post. Your transparency just might have saved someone’s life today.
Twitter: saving4someday
said:
I came here via a tweet by Jason Falls. I’m glad you’re able to manage your depression. I wish there was less taboo surrounding mental health so that people could feel they can ask for help. May G-D bless Trey’s family during this difficult time. And I hope his children know that it wasn’t them.
Kindly,
Sara
Sara at Saving For Someday´s last [type] ..Wines From Down Under For Less Than $10
Thank you so much for sharing. Perhaps people can use this tragic event – of someone who appeared to others as if he were on top of the world – to raise awareness, educate and take away the dark shadow that looms over those affected with this disease.
Thirty years I was hospitalized for depression. My long time boyfriend that I was to marry had taken to cocaine and alcohol, and he’d also had come out of the closet. I felt I had the power to cause him to turn to substances and that I somehow caused him to ‘turn gay.’ (Hey, it was the early 80s, I was unenlightened.) I crawled into a bubble bath with a razor blade, and remember wondering, totally without emotion, whether the bubbles would turn red as well as the water when I slit my wrists.
Thank goodness I did not know the proper way to slice. A neighbor stopped in, I was hospitalized for a couple of weeks in a psych facility, and spent several years on meds and with shrinks who didn’t seem to have much of an understanding of the disease themselves – shrinks who spent most of the time talking about how their own lives at home had become unmanageable.
A couple of years later I had weaned myself off the meds, dumped the shrink and got on with my life. I still have to watch for periods where I tend to hibernate, and force myself to get out and socialize. (Helping others less fortunate always gives me a little boost and I’ve spent much of my adult life involved in non-profits to that effect.)
Why do I tell this now? I’m compelled because of this event. The stigma needs to be removed, awareness needs to be raised and people need to be educated. Also, this blog post has given me the courage to speak up. If it helps just one person pick up the phone and reach out for help, it’s well worth it.
May God bless and keep you, and prayers for the friends and family of Trey Pennington.
Twitter: harleenas
said:
Hi Bridge,
Touching story!
This is such an eye opener for those under going depression, as they do need to learn the cause of it, and fight it out, rather than end their lives and leave their grieving families behind. However, I guess at times people do things on the spur of the moment, not realizing what they gain from it. And as you rightly put it across, there was no one to stop Trey, unlike in your case.
Thanks for putting up this post and sharing it with everyone. It sure inspires people to live life and fight it out.
Harleena´s last [type] ..Why Family Time is Important
Twitter: alaiawilliams
said:
Great post, thank you for writing it. As someone who deals with depression, I could definitely relate and saw myself in a lot of what you said. Fortunately, I’ve never been suicidal. I have known people that are though – and it’s like you said – they are stuck in time.
When I heard about Trey and I hear other stories like this, I always hope that the people in my life, however close we are, know that at least with me around, they’ll always have some to listen if they are struggling.
I didn’t know Trey and didn’t know he was a father, but my heart goes out to his wife and children during what must be an incredibly challenging time.
Alaia´s last [type] ..Top 3 Document Management Mistakes
I needed to read this tonight, THANK YOU. Sometimes, I can even fathom what it feels like to live a life sans depression.
This was a bit of a shock to me that he died , reading your blog made me realize that if one has depression, you really need to seek help .
thank you
Twitter: bigguysmama
said:
I wish my daughter would get on meds. She doesn’t see that there’s anything wrong with her. A year ago she considered suicide and texted a friend who in turn sent me a text so we were able to avoid a death. But I still worry about her. We’re estranged and I know it’s because of her illness. There’s nothing I can do for her. She’s 18 and at college now. We don’t talk and it breaks my heart. I hope that one day she’ll see that it’s nothing she’s done, and that meds are ok and it’s nothing to be ashamed about.
Thank you for sharing your story. I pray it will impact the life of another.
Mimi´s last [type] ..Carmex Review & Quickfire Giveaway
Twitter: kyliewriteshere
said:
I’m feeling very, very thankful for this post right now. Thank you, Bridget.
Kylie´s last [type] ..the how, the when, and the practice of connecting as an introvert
I wanted to thank you for this post. I recently found out after 20+ years of suffering that I have bipolar II. I have been suicidal in the past. I recently started anti depressants for the first time and hope they help me. Besides working, I dont really have a life or many relationships except my husband. Your words were like reading my own thoughts and they brought me comfort to keep wrking at feeling better. Thank you.
To Treys family, you have my deepest sympathies.
Hi,
A listener of my podcast, the Mental Illness Happy Hour, gave me a link to this page. We are kindred spirits. I’ve lived with depression and alcoholism for many years, and have learned to live with it and treat it as best I can. Always nice to hear someone on the same page as me, bringing hope to the hopeless!
Hello Bridget,
Very thoughtful and meaningful. The post seems to be about someone like me. You are right when you say that “People who commit suicide are not selfish. They are stuck in time. They cannot see this lifetime unfolding towards anything but pain”.
Thank you for posting this as this would help a lot of people.
So many people are sharing this on Facebook and Twitter… It seems odd that there are no comments here. I don’t know whether to attribute that to comment moderation or just to shock. The first time I read it – I was at a loss as to what one could possibly say on top of this.
But I remembered the second time I came back just to reread it: Thank You.
Thanks for taking the time to write this out so eloquently.
Twitter: tenaciousleigh
said:
Goosebumps, chills. I have chronic depression. I’ve never been suicidal but I genuinely can’t remember the time before I was depressed.
One of the best gifts I ever gave myself was a year of therapy. I feel so much better equipped now. And when I feel like I need it, I know I can always go in for a session or two to recalibrate in a supportive environment.
I’ve also found that yoga & a gluten-free diet help significantly. I have come to accept that I need to take medication for the rest of my life, like a diabetic. And, that’s ok. If that is what makes me feel alive, vital, and able to contribute, then I’m willing to do that.
I still phase in and out, experience light and dark, but I now know that light follows the dark. And for that, I am forever grateful. Thank you for sharing, Bridget. xoxo.
lovely piece, but if you ask me, he felt stuck in a marriage while gay… which is why this happened on the steps of his church, which would have made him an outcast…
Twitter: aashishc
said:
Thanks for sharing; I admire your courage to accept and acknowledge your truth. I wish there was more support for everyone on this subject, I’ll be sure to spread the word.. Ash
Unbelievably heart-breaking.
I didn’t know Trey Pennington until I heard about his death today. Very sad.
Thank you for being brave enough to share your story.
Denise Duffield-Thomas´s last [type] ..Describe Your Ideal Day (This Will Change Your Life)
Twitter: Annep12345
said:
Thank you so much for sharing you life story. I’m so happy that a friend detected your bout of depression & wasn’t too scared to mention the ‘suicide’ word but people all too often ( here in Ireland anyway) feel that it’s the unmentionable & often there is the misconception that if it’s mentioned it’ll plant the idea. All too often there’s a sigh of relief once it’s spoken about followed by lots of tears. I’m reposting your words in the hope that your story might help others in a similar situation & I’m hopeful that it’ll give them the strength to share their feelings. Wishing you a very happy healthy life. X
Twitter: shannamann
said:
[...] http://www.intuitivebridge.com/blog/2011/09/the-difference-between-me-and-trey-pennington/ [...]
Twitter: Enhanced Editing Services
said:
Great post, thank you for sharing your story.
Twitter: lifediscourse
said:
Hi Bridget,
I am happy to have read this post. One of the people that I am currently working with killed himself 2 weeks ago. I was heartbroken and thought I wish I had reached out to him when he started showing signs of deep confusion and had expressed it.
You are right, we deal with pain and depression however we can, and I myself have bouts of depression every so often. I am happy that I am able to control my own depressive thoughts by being active and learn how to ride with it rather than repress it.
Thank you very much for this post. I appreciate it alot.
A
Dear Bridget
You just recently connected with me on Twitter – I think I followed back without sending you a personal message.
I just wanted to acknowledge your honesty and bravery, your post has brought tears to my eyes this morning in Brighton.
I connected with Trey Pennington on Twitter and through his blog – he was kind and generous enough to correspond with me online (and he has many, many followers, so he really didn’t have to). I’m shocked and saddened by the news of his death.
Today I’m reminded that online connections can mean as much as those offline – and I’m going to be mindful in everything I do…
With love
Kate x
Twitter: MotherNoes
said:
Thank you for this! I too live with depression and no one knows how alone you can feel, even a room full of people. RIP Trey.
Hi I came across this on twitter. I have never suffered depression but lost a friend to it. You described what he went through so perfectly. Except he didn’t come out of the other side but I suspect this post will help many people to do so! x
Sian´s last [type] ..Tomorrow…
Twitter: Buttonguy
said:
Bridget I didn’t know of you and I did not now Trey (surprisingly) but I am saddened to read your words and those of others about Trey – clearly he will be missed.
I just wanted to say that your post is so brave and candid a gift to anyone who might be in your shoes or God forbid Trey’s. Thanks for having the guts to say this!
“I had someone to talk me down from my balcony. At that crucial point, this morning, he [Trey] didn’t, or maybe the pull towards resolution was just too strong.”
How do you know? Were you there? Seems presumptious.
And he “lost” what opportunity with his family? He was mid-40s, not 22.
Twitter: shannamann
said:
[...] But I didn’t have the same experiences like Mark Schaefer and Olivier Blanchard. I can’t even say I’ve dealt with depression like Geoff Livingston and Bridget Pilloud. [...]
Twitter: shannamann
said:
[...] If you know someone in law enforcement (or any public safety profession) you are concerned about, contact Safe Call Now to find out how you might be able to help. Be brave. It can take a lot to help someone who is depressed. But it can mean a lot, too. [...]
Bridget,
I so honor this exquisitely intimate post about both Trey and yourself. Thank you for using this blog post to provide healing and connection to someone out there who needs to know that they aren’t a failure if they feel depressed and/or suicidal.
Depression can be such a lonely and haunting place and in the myopia of the disease, can seem like no one else gets it or won’t judge you for having it. It is a true and deep tragedy when someone takes their life and leaves in their wake so many what- ifs asked by friends and family.
My thoughts and prayers go out to Trey’s family and friends. Keep doing the work you are doing. NO doubt, the gifts you share with the world are part of the reason you are here.
M.
Good article. Helps people understand in a much deeper way without just talking “shock”. I will keep Trey’s family in my prayers.
Thanks to Cara for posting this link. My husband has depression and has had it for probably the last 8 yrs. I sometimes feel useless and unable to help him. I am going to show this to him and follow the link you posted. Btw, he has been on meds since 2005. He has other health issues and we seem to be in a vicious circle. Thanks for writing this.
Your story is incredibly moving. It isn’t often that a blogpost can really made a difference in someone’s life. Thank you for sharing this.
rhonda hurwitz´s last [type] ..Email Marketing from Dyson Vacuums: A Great Example of “K.I.S.S.”!
Twitter: NokomisMichelle
said:
This is an exceptional post; Heart felt and truthful. Thank you for writing it. Your experiences planning your suicide, I cant get over. I’ve done it, in practically the same way. It was realizing that my 1 and 1/2 yr old boy would wake up to his mother’s dead body that shook me out of it. You’re so right. We r not selfish people. We tend to give ourselves away too easily because we do not appreciate ourselves. But we are self-centered which means that we mistakenly think everything going on around us is our responsibility, good or bad (usually bad). We welcome EVERYTHING into our center, we direct everything into ourselves and sufficate ourselves with this build up of unimportant things. Our brains get so crowded. They dont have the room they need to rationalize, organize and understand. This is how we come to, as you eloquently phrased it “get stuck in time”. I only say this to demonstrate our ability to influence our disease. Its difficult, I know, because the last thing anyone wants to say to someone who is struggles with depression is that which sounds like a criticism. But it’s not. It’s empowerment. Because if we see where we are active in our own pain we can actively work to eleviate it. Its not the entire solution, but a necessary part of treatment. If we behave like vacuums and suck everything into our center, then we end up living our lives in a vacuum. That is isolating and isolation only intensifies our sruggle. We can do something to help ourselves. This disease does not have the final say. Thank you so much for this post.
-Michelle
Bridget, this post brought tears to my eyes and I don’t cry – no manly bs thing, I just don’t for sad reasons.
WHY do people have sympathy for you if you’ve got cancer, had a stroke, heart disease, etc., but think it’s YOUR fault if it’s depression or any mental illness! What the heck is the difference?
We choose many things in life, but much of who we are is out of our control. Yes, we can choose a better attitude and even to “fake it” but still it can be like the great mythological character, Sisyphus, pushing that giant stone up the steep mountain, only to have it always fall down again!
Bruce Sallan (@BruceSallan)´s last [type] ..NEWS OF THE MOMENT
Twitter: shannamann
said:
[...] moments like these we find the strength and comfort in others where we are inclined to share, show and discuss our successes, adversity, and weakness. Trey, you’ve made an impact on [...]
Twitter: yukariP
said:
Thank you for sharing. Beautiful post. I’ve shared on Twitter/FB/G+. Also linked from my blog as well. Thank you.
Twitter: lisamariemary
said:
Absolutely excellent and amazing post! There are so many things here that you’ve said, I don’t know that I can/should really point to all of those that spoke to me. This is just an excellent post. The difference between me and Trey? I never had access to a gun. There are many moments that, in haste, we act. When, like you say, if we just ‘ride it out’…things will change, things will lift. That’s not to say I didn’t try with pills – most times were just cries for help, wherein I didn’t take nearly enough. One time would maybe be debatable as an ‘actual try’, but, God decided I should stick around a little longer. Thank you, God!!! I would never have had my children. My sweet, beautiful children. I’ve always told my husband, who is an avid gun collector and shooter – that I should never, ever, ever have access to them. Period. Because those moments, when I crash, I may act in the throes of how awful and what a waste of space I am. Suicides always really, really affect me, because, I know where they were and I also feel like I want to defend them and I also feel like telling them, “oh no, if only you’d waited a little while, things would’ve been different!” Your defense of those like us is one of my favorite lines in this post, though. “They’re just stuck in time.” Yes, that’s it – that is so it. I’ve rambled enough here, I was just really moved by your post. Thank you for it.
Lisa Marie Mary´s last [type] ..Don’t Get Mad…
thank you
Wow! This is so true.. I too have experience deep depression, as a child I wanted to commit suicide and I had a friend that helped me through that time. She made me see it wasn’t an option and I have lived my life that way since. I didn’t get help till I was in my late 20′s but now in my early 40′s Im good and happy and am happy to be me.. I have bipolar 2, deep depression and mood swings but with medications and work I am good.. You can over come it!! Talk to someone if you feel suicidal. let them help you! and Get professional help… You are loved!
Beautifully written. I did not know Trey; he was a facebook friend of a facebook friend. But I also know how it feels to be in the depths and to want a permanent escape.
Fortunately, with the help of some terrific therapists, the right combination of meds, and a committed spiritual life, I was able to overcome depression. Things still get me down sometimes, I worry about the future, I feel inadequate to the task of living. But that God it is nothing like before. The feeling passes – some vigorous exercise, serious prayer, and self-compassion get me over it.
But I know it couldn’t work without the meds. The meds help me crawl out of the pit. I couldn’t crawl out before, thus the feeling of wanting to give up and die.
Thank you so much for your openness and honesty about your depression issues. I hope many others who need to read your story will do so and get the help they need to crawl out of the pit.
God bless you.
Make that “But THANK God it is nothing like before.”
When I first the headline of this post, I was thinking ‘How dare you think you are much better than somebody? How dare you say something like this after an unfortunate event?’
Luckily, I read the whole post & I understood. I’m glad that you write what you’ve written. So many parts of the post I can relate to. Especially the balcony. But I’ll probably die straightaway if I jump coz I’m on the 14th floor. I used to tell my parents I will die earlier than them in a very nonchalant chirpy mode. I once chose a date on a calendar to kill myself but forgotten about it.
But I chose to get help in my own way (many ways) including talking to Befrienders. I sent an SOS email to a Youtube motivator & unexpectedly reply with a video that seems to inspire others too. I hope you have a look at it. This was 3 years ago & I’m still alive. Thanks for a lil inspiration today.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ItmsBmb888
That was such a shocker about Trey, especially as he had tweeted literally minutes before hand. Very sad indeed.
One of teh thing that really pisses me off about some Life Coaches is their belief that medication is unnecessary.
For severe depression nothing could be further from the truth and I’ll welcome the day when we look at it the same way we look at cancer. Because it’s no less destructive and no more self imposed. In fact the opposite may be true.
Tim Brownson´s last [type] ..Let’s Stop The Self Development Bullshit, Shall We?
My own responses from today (http://bit.ly/qCHCMJ) and the original post yesterday (http://bit.ly/o0NmaU)
Steven Buehler´s last [type] ..Why some make it, and why some die
Twitter: LASH Communications Group
said:
Thank you Bridget for your insightful post, which describes that black state of hopelessness so clearly. Thank you also for your courage in raising this issue publicly with your own plight. We need more people to come forward to defuse the stigmatism of depression and open the door for people to get the support and help they need. We just lost a talented and kind person; hopefully your post and similar tributes will encourage others to seek help or be even more responsive to those in need.
Thank you for this! It really speaks volumes to me.
I sent you a friend request on facebook. You don’t need to publish this comment-it is to let you know that I am the Sherry that sent you a request since I couldn’t leave you a message there.
By the way, why is the funny thing by my first post??
Just wondering,
Sherry
Thanks for your story
Twitter: shannamann
said:
[...] read these links from a survivor and the American Psychological Association: http://www.intuitivebridge.com/blog/2011/09/the-difference-between-me-and-trey-pennington/ http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/thoughts-suicide.aspx [...]
I love that you shared this. Thank you for opening yourself and your story up to people. It’s very powerful and I appreciate that so much. I’m thankful that someone was there for you, it does make all the difference in the world.
Wow. Thanks for the perspective. It’s a nice way to remind people that their worth is measured in many ways and often can’t be seen from within. Stay well.
Thank you! much needed today! : )
Excellent article. Thanks for taking the time to write.
Denise Michaels Excellent Adventure´s last [type] ..Does the Thought of Marketing and Selling Almost Drive You to Chocolate?
Twitter: DrBeckerSchutte
said:
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I think that the other thing that reading it reminds me of is that, if we’re worried about someone, if we’re noticing persistent sadness, if we have fears that they may be depressed & suicidal–then we should ask!! I’m so impressed that your professor took that step. And I am even more impressed with your courage in that moment and in all the tough moments since then. Thank you for reminding others that there can be hope and change.
Warmly,
Ann
Ann Becker-Schutte´s last [type] ..The Conversations We Aren’t Having: Part I–Health and End of Life
Twitter: kdsalyer
said:
These words: “I feel like nobody should have to suffer me.”…Oh, how I know those words. I have been in that pit–that place so low that you can’t find your way out. Thank you for this beautiful post. It is so hard for people who haven’t experienced serious depression to understand that it isn’t a choice or a bad mood. It is a disease that is all-consuming. For anyone reading this post–and this comment–you are not alone. There can be better days. Hang on.
Kim´s last [type] ..Man in the Red Bandanna
Thank you, Thank you for sharing your story.It manyy ways it sounds like mine.What people fail to understand is that clinical depression isn’t a “slump”. You’re not just “going through a bad patch.” You can’t just go for a walk and feel happy. You are right. When you’re in depression, you are stuck. It’s like walking through mud up to your waist. I wanted to sleep all the time. Literally. My depression not only had an effect on me, but on my family as well. If you don’t live with it, you cannot understand.
I finally got a good shrink. I finally found a good therapist. I finally found the right medication. My children and really, really hard work with a fabulous counselor got me to the other side. I am so glad to be here today. I never want to go back to the dark place where I was before.
My heart aches for the loss Trey. I remember when I first got my Twitter account 4 years ago, he followed me and really talked with me. He was no positive, so knowlegable, and willing to give. My heart aches for his family. Suicide is devastating for the ones left behind to try and figure out what happened. I hope they will realize that it wasn’t anyone’s fault, it was the disease.
Thanks for sharing your story and thanks for sticking around.
I am so grateful for my children. They are why I got up every day for so many years when I couldn’t see life getting any better. I knew my kids would have it even harder than I did if I left them wondering how they had failed me.
Please, if you read this and you need help seeing a good reason to live, reach out for help. Do not fear the meds, they can be exactly what you need to fight through the darkness.
Twitter: TheBookAngel
said:
Aloha
Found a link to your post on FB. Mahalo for your honesty.
I’ve been on thyroid replacement since 1981. Four years ago I moved and went to see a new doctor. The 2nd or 3rd visit she changed it to a different brand, a more natural replacement. Three days into the new Rx, my thinking was fuzzy. I was standing at the kitchen sink with suicidal thoughts and crying.
And I wondered. . . how many people struggle and don’t know that there might be a biochemical reason for the depression/suicidal feelings.
For me, I knew it was hormonal and could be fixed. Within 4-6 hours of taking the regular Rx, I was fine.
Twitter: KYouell
said:
That was incredible powerful and well-written. Thank you for sharing. I’m starting to realize that I may have been clinically depressed since junior high school and I really needed to read this today.
Another resource for others that may be reading this as Band Back Together (http://www.backtogether.com). There are lots of different resources there, depression is just one area.
KYouell´s last [type] ..Unfriended
Twitter: Latino Rebels
said:
SORRY, but why do you need to use Trey as an example to promote yourself? THAT IS SAD. Trey was a good guy, it is insulting that you are using his name to get traffic to your page. Shameful.
Twitter: violarulz
said:
Thank you for sharing your story. You are so blessed to have had the right person say the right thing to you at the right time.
Twitter: lindaeaves
said:
Thank you. Sharing on my social networks.
“They are stuck in time. They cannot see this lifetime unfolding towards anything but pain.”
Yes, this sounds familiar. Not now, but in the past. Excellent description.
Linda Eaves´s last [type] ..Rules smell like moldy old water damaged books.
Twitter: cathypresland
said:
Very brave of you to share this Bridget. I knew Trey and he was such a lovely, kind, generous person. With a beautiful family. So sad.
Thank you for putting this out so that others might be able to get the help they need. And oh how a brave face can hide such a lot….
Thanks and best wishes,
Cathy
Cathy Presland´s last [type] ..It’s Harder Than It Looks From The Beach
Twitter: lesleyaveyard
said:
Great post and thanks for sharing
The trouble with mental health is – you don’t wake up one day and say ‘Ooh I’m ill!’ – instead you spend your days hours & minutes ‘chasing your tail’ trying to do what you have always done and trying to work out why you can’t do it anymore.
People don’t ask for help initially for many reasons – here are mine in no particular order -
1. you don’t know what you need because you don’t know what is wrong
2. you don’t talk of ‘mental health’ openly because of the stigma attached and you fear it may damage your reputation and that of your associates because of how others percieve it
3. you can’t often talk about it because it isn’t a ‘thing’ like an injury
4. you constantly berate yourself for not being able to perform like you used to & constantly strive to do so – you feel that you are a failure, personally
5. external occurences & family and personal issues affect you far more – co-dependance
6. depression isn’t all about ‘doom & gloom’ or sitting in a corner feeling sad – its about lack of confidence, low self-esteem, the inability to prioritize workload & everyday chores, lack of memory & remembering things (even remembering to look at your diary!)
7.you worry you are letting people down
8.you start to get a little paranoid because of the striking difference between how you act & speak during the ‘highs’ & ‘lows’
9.one minute you are full of energy the next you are lethargic
10.you are ‘different’ in a negative way and constantly try to adopt a ‘persona’ in order to appear ‘normal’
So much pressure, not enough solutions.
RIP Trey x
Lesley Aveyard´s last [type] ..Grow your Reputation
Twitter: Almost60Really
said:
Very good that you put this out here.
VERY GOOD that you did.
Thank you.
Paula Lee Bright´s last [type] ..What Do YOU Think Makes a Good Dog Good?
I found this to be a powerful post; thank you for sharing your story. I lost my husband last year to suicide. He was a very smart and accomplished man: he had been a doctor, left medicine, then went on to receive a Master’s Degree in Architecture. I should have realized he suffered from depression as I now know that he exhibited a lot of the signs and could have sought professional help. He was a very proud man, but he was an introvert and very private with his thoughts and feelings. I found out after his death that two relatives on his mother’s side had committed suicide. The experience leaves you with a lot of questions and “what ifs”.
Twitter: shannamann
said:
[...] I didn’t know Trey personally, but like many of us who live online, our paths had crossed. I highly recommend you take a moment to read Bridgette Pilloud’s post about Trey and suicide. [...]
Twitter: shannamann
said:
[...] not only to promote business endeavors but to connect people IRL (in real life). The outpouring of grief from people whose lives have been touched by him is a testament to that belief. The very last thing [...]
Twitter: dustiarab
said:
I have so been there. Is it something about being 22?
Here’s the post where I shared my struggle with depression and suicide.
http://www.minimalistadventures.com/2010/11/05/decluttering-story-edge-back-2/
I have to say, as well, it never goes away. Fo years, I thought depression was a lack of willpower or a weakness of some sort. Little did I know. My PPD destroyed my life. Now, getting ready to have my second child, I’m terrified of the consequences of the (highly likely) PPD I will get. This time, I have a much better support network. But, it never stops being scary.
Twitter: shannamann
said:
[...] A Difference between Trey Pennington’s Story and My Story [...]
Twitter: barbaraling
said:
This is utterly *beautiful*. Blogged about it and shared it with my network – thanks so much for writing this!
Barbara Ling, Virtual Coach´s last [type] ..Suicide is never the answer
If this guy, Trey, had been just some shirtless guy, who went to the local Bi-Lo, where his estranged girlfriend worked and turned the gun on himself after the police showed up, the conversation wouldn’t be about depression. It would be about domestic violence and men victimizing women.
Because this guy, Trey, had friends in the media, the reporting of the story leaves out a lot of the details.
Twitter: Pemateeter
said:
Bridget, your frankness is a gift. Thanks for giving it.
Much love.
Pema Teeter´s last [type] ..Wonder – Memory to Light, Day 26
Try taking Vitamin D3, 1000 IU or more daily. It completely fixed my depression issues and I feel very strong now. Good luck all.
Twitter: shannamann
said:
[...] death is mind numbing. Timelines and news feeds have been jammed with account after account of how this father, bright mind, communicator, blogger and social media advocate, friend and loved [...]
Twitter: TheAmyTucker
said:
This: “When I decided to kill myself, something finally felt do-able.”
There’s something very…freeing about finally getting up the energy to do something. To have a plan. To look to the future even if it’s to end it. My mom was the one who saved me; I knew she would always wonder what she had done and I couldn’t saddle her with that.
Thanks for a very well written post. You know what you’re talking about and you tell the story instead of preach it.
Amy´s last [type] ..Suicide: The One Who is Fighting the Battle with Himself.
This was a lovely post. It rings true. I know. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you so very much for this.
My research tells me he had financial problems (foreclosure) which likely led to his maritial issues (money). His profession wasn’t as glamorous as thought and he certainly couldn’t make an appropriate living with six children. This economy has flattened many people, and many more will fall prey to suicide. This is the Great Depression II, we just don’t realize it yet. I have researched many other prominent people in similar financial dispair. I anticipate more suicides (from those you might least expect) in the months to come.
thank you
Thank you for sharing – it is very brave to put oneself out there like that yet your self honesty is of value & you may have saved a life today – bless you.
Thank you for expressing what depression is like so perfectly. You said it exactly right. As someone who lives with depression every day also, you brought tears to my eyes at the beauty and simplicity of your words. Again, thank you.
Twitter: shannamann
said:
[...] ☛ The Difference Between Trey Pennington’s Story and My Story [PLEASE read this if you have depression. It was written for you. Hell, read it if you don't have depression.] [...]
I want to tell you this is a brilliant post but brilliant just doesn’t seem strong enough for how great it is. So whatever is above brilliant, that’s what I meant when I say this is a brilliant post.
Jason Wert´s last [type] ..Day 249: A celebration of Amy
Twitter: bgreen
said:
Thank you for sharing your life experience with depression. Trey’s choice has affected so many of us in his circles… when I first learned of his suicide, it seemed unreal, another hoax of a very sick kind. After catching my breath and understanding that yes, it was real and something that had to be faced, I reflected on how much suicide has impacted my life personally. I appreciate your honest approach to the topic and will be using your post as a link for others in my post.
There are no easy answers here. My hope is that we all become more present in our relationships online and offline. It only takes a moment to say how much you care for someone and that they are noticed and important.
I’m grateful to connect with you, Bridget!
Bonnie Cranmer´s last [type] ..bgreen: thanks 4 #hotmail news @dazza_lp
Twitter: nickyelectric
said:
Bridget this was such a powerful post. I cried throughout – for the pain that Trey must’ve been in, for his family and friends and for anyone else who’s been touched by depression or suicide.
I found a suicide note from my mum when I was 11. She didn’t kill herself but nobody else saw the note and she didn’t even know that I’d seen it until years later when I asked her about it. She was dying from cancer then, but it seemed like it was a relief, even after so many years, for her talk about how she’d been so low that she’d considered suicide.
I sincerely hope that by you and others on here sharing personal experiences that the subject of depression and suicide becomes less taboo, so that people suffering can feel more able to talk about how they feel.
Thanks for sharing
Twitter: jamesjefferson
said:
You have just blown me away with your selfless honesty.
As I write this I am moved to tears by your immense strength. Thank you so much for sharing. I have no doubt that your words may have saved others who, like Trey, were stuck.
Thank you.
James Jefferson´s last [type] ..My top 11 integrated design nuggets
Bridget, wow.. I have to confess: I’ve written many comments and cleared them since I read this a couple of days ago. I just don’t know how to respond and I feel nothing I could say can add value, just because you’ve really moved me here and what you’re saying hit home.
I’ve gone through some ruts in my life. I know what it’s like to make big money and spend it frivolously (I blame my foolish youth) but I also know what it’s like to be wonder if you’ll be able to keep the lights on for another month. I can share some tragic stories but I’m not here to share those now.
What I’m here to reiterate is this: you are not alone.
We are all human and, by nature, that means we are flawed.
If you don’t feel despair or sadness at some point in your life, then you’re not really living. It’s when we are pushed on the edge that the best things happen, I find. We either see opportunity and empowerment, or we see obstacles and helplessness.
What’s interesting is that depression is a lot more common than people may think, yet there needs to be a distinction made between being really stressed or perhaps just sad. I know my better half and I both know what it is to be at the “worst point in our lives”.
I thank you for sharing a message that more of us need to hear, before we get to that point at which we buckle.. I commend your courage. I’d like to think I am a very transparent and authentic individual, but I bow down to you here, Bridget.
You know, it must be some sort of serendipity that led me back to your blog. It’s been a while. I loved your site from day one and could tell you were the real deal.. But we tend to get consumed in the day-to-day stuff and forget to reach out to each other.
Thank you for reminding me about the little things. I welcome you all to reach out to someone today and just let them know that they matter to you. It turns out I’ve been using the hash tags #youmatter and #youmattertome on Twitter to life each other up.
I’ve also been using #supportathon to help out our peers and let everyone know that it’s not about competing or edging each other out.. We can all find contentment, if not joy, in our lives.
I’d like to welcome you to the softer side of my blogging efforts over at http://balancing-life-works.blogspot.com .. It’s a collaborative project where folks like you share insight on the elusive work-life balance, uncomfortable truths, and more. Your feedback would be appreciated because, truth be told, my respect and admiration for you went from “you’re really cool” to “wow, I need to be more like you”.
Again, thank you, thank you, thank you!
Yomar Lopez´s last [type] ..Triberr Rocks, But Not For The Reasons Most Love It Or Hate It
Twitter: Faryna
said:
Thank you, Bridget. I appreciate you, your honesty, and your courage to share what most wrongly consider to be shameful, a humiliation, or contemptible.
Reading the comments to your blog post, I couldn’t ignore how you have touched hearts, minds, and souls. You have brought healing to people through your words.
Thank you, Bridget.
What Yomar writes in a comment above, I feel the same way as he did when he spoke from his heart with you:
Wow, I need to be more like you.
Stan Faryna´s last [type] ..Do not be afraid. And other social media DOHs.
Twitter: osakasaul
said:
Chiming in quite late, just got this Stumbled to me from Stan @farnya. Its really true that however bad we may feel, most of us are connected to so many people who will live on, and then young ones have so many years to be in turmoil for not helping us… Get help. Get connected to more people at least. Any connection is better than none.
Saul Fleischman @applications development Japan´s last [type] ..Let’s Not Push Buttons Prematurely
Twitter: sarahvadnais
said:
Bridget…as always…I am so infinitely grateful for your willingness to share your heart with all of us. You are a phenomenal woman. How does it get any better than you??!! I am grateful your instructor talked you “off the balcony.”
Adoration for you!!
Sarah
Sarah´s last [type] ..Riches
Twitter: shannamann
said:
[...] immediately clicked over to the Intuitive Bridge blog to read Bridget’s post entitled The Difference between Trey Pennington and Me. In it, she writes: My depression has a stealth brutality to it. Along with exhaustion and sadness, [...]
I probably won’t fly by here again, but anyways…
The guilt trip doesn’t work for everybody. I’m glad you decided to live, but what do people do when guilt doesn’t work? What do people do when the medication and the therapy doesn’t work?
Guilt trips don’t work for me–I realized a long time ago that if I want to survive I have to be able to stick around for myself.
I’m surprised I’m still around. It’s hard to do it alone. I don’t have any solutions and I’ve done everything I’m ‘supposed to do’ in regards to treatment of depression. My therapist was a hack. My doctors have been clueless. Treatment doesn’t work, so I waste my time surfing the net…looking for a little nugget of hope somewhere…and venting when I need to.
I’ll keep on keeping on, but this is miserable. It’s hard to function like a normal person with all of this crap in my head. I can only hope things will get better. I hope I don’t lose it. I’m okay at the moment, but I know how I get.
Twitter: intuitivebridge
(author) said:
Kelly-
I don’t see my professor’s words as a guilt trip, I think they were a recognition of the incredible responsibility I took on when I became a mother.
It’s not hard to imagine that one could see it as a guilt trip. When a person is exhausted by depression, the needs of anybody else, including children and loved ones, those needs pale.
It takes a lot of courage to keep trying when your head is full of crap, and when you feel really bad.
Treatment is elusive for may, and I’m sorry that you are having that kind of experience. Not all therapists and doctors are the same. Other people I know have found acupuncture, biofeedback, exercise and changes in diet to be helpful as well.
I know that my depression is handled best through an accumulated series of actions. Diet, exercise, meditation, medication, light, they all add up to a treatment that works for me. I had to add each thing slowly.
Good luck to you, Kelly.
I’m hopeful that you find relief and lightness.